Saturday, March 7, 2009

BHM Crushes: Dan Dreiberg

I'm sure after the movie's been out for a while I won't have so much of a time trying to find photos of Nite Owl naked, but until then enjoy this pic of him and Silk Spectre looking all lovey dovey, courtesy of Shipperwar.

They fucked up the sex scene.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BHM Crushes. This is the part of Stuffies where I wax eloquent on one of the poles of my desire--for what I like, at least in terms of the male body, varies both toward the tiny etherial boys who aren't over 5 foot nine all the way over to what I call, for want of a better term, chubby linebackers.

Thus, I give you my very first BHM Crush: Dan Driberg.

Tho I don't think I'm supposed to like him "that way". Example:

I'm a huge fan of the comic, but if you can pull yourself away from the source material long enough to look at the flick from a purely cinematic point of view, you'll see that the movie serves as a pretty profoundly fucked-up meditation on not only superheroes, but also on the people who dig superheroes. This is all subtext in the 'Watchmen' comic, but it wasn't until I saw all of these characters on the big screen that I realized that each of the heroes is crippled by an archetypal personality flaw endemic to a lot of comic book fans: the well-meaning but outta-shape/impotent Nite Owl, the too-smart-for-his-own-good Ozymandias, the rage-filled Rorschach and the all-knowing-but-tragically-disconnected-from-humanity pile of protons that is Doc Manhattan. It wouldn't be too hard to see these same characters stuck together in high school, unable to get dates or get along with anyone else while the Silk Spectre II bumps uglies with the school's quarterback.

But really, even with all that, how can you not love a man who named his flying machine Archie? And he can make all his own toys!

This article also conveniently forgets that Miss Jupiter ends up bumping uglies with that same impotent man, and honestly seems to like it. Sometimes multiple blue dudes that taste like batteries just don't do it for you, and what you really need is a good old fashioned fuck delivered by a hot geek with arm muscles, holy god, I so need a still of that scene where he's on top of her on the sofa and he's not sure what he's doing but his arm muscles look so gloriously capable. And then there's a close up of her undoing the belt on his pants and you can see his soft tummy even and there's never ever been a sex scene like this in a movie that I've ever seen and then it was over. But it was ok, I knew he'd get a second chance. I'd read the book.

Speaking of which, isn't Nite Owl supposed to have a fetish too?

I'm pretty sure the creators of the original comic put the fetish sex connotations in to say something about how being a superhero was a unique kind of fucked up, but you know what, I don't care about that any more. So what if the man has a latex fetish? There are much worse fetishes to have, I assure you...

Costumes. Oddly, one of the things the book and the movie never explained how he was supposed to fit back into his costume. Wasn't he supposed to have gained weight? But you know I don't care about that either because she's taking his mask off and there's something so hot about a man with a naked head when the rest of him is covered. And then he picks her up and starts to pound her right there on the bulkhead and whoa, this looks like a real sex scene! He's thrusting and they both look kinda awkward but also hot and we have this nice close up of her boot pressed up against his side and then the music.

The horrific music.

Was the sex scene supposed to be stupid all along and I just missed it? Ok, the bit where the fire shoots out is kinda silly...but it's tipped over into agonizing absurdity with this song, which will simply not go away or be faded out so I have to hunker down in my seat and simply breathe, focus on Dan's arms, don't let it entirely ruin it for me. It's like my fetish in general, I thought, you just gotta block out the bad parts, focus on the good...

Anyway, when Watchmen comes out on DVD I can scroll to this scene and watch it with the sound off. Just like a real porno.


AaronLouis2001 said...

On the whole, I enjoyed the Watchmen. Malin Akerman desperately needs to gain some weight. The movie was rather long, which was nice because I managed to eat quite a lot while watching it. I hadn't read the comic so the story was entirely new to me.

There's a few too many blue penises in the movie for my tastes, however.

Molly Ren said...

I just recently learned about the whole furor over the blue penis, and I don't really understand it. When I first saw it I was like whoa, full frontal nudity in a movie? I thought they were going to hide it in the general blue glow. Then I just forgot about it. Guess I was thinking of other things.

AaronLouis2001 said...

It seems that if you're disassembled on an atomic level in a nuclear engineering accident, you can reassemble yourself into a body shape that is a ripped as you want to be. However, you also lose your sense of modesty. Now what I don't understand is why you'd bother to make yourself look really ripped yet leave your penis relatively normal.

Molly Ren said...

Dude, don't you know that the whole male-anxiety-over-penis-size thing is so done? Normal is fine!