Plus Size Erotica: You're Doing It Wrong

Boobies and cupcakes done much better by corkaborka77.

If you like to read or write about sex on the internet, there's a good chance you've heard about Ravenous Romance. I don't actually know much about their performance as a company, but when I heard they had put out a new novel featuring food and a plus size woman I was all "yay!!!"--until I realized I was reading about it on weepingcock. It's an LJ community where people post the best worst porn they can find.

Ravenous Romance's description for Handsome and Petal sounds like the next hot show on the Food Network, but in reality it's some of the stickiest, schmoopiest stuff I've ever seen. It might even give you a yeast infection:

“Lily, my Petal,” Brody said.

She caressed his cheek, which showed a wonderfully scruffy layer of five o’clock shadow.

“Yes, Handsome?”

“You’re more beautiful than a plate of homemade brownies, hotter than hot fudge, more sinful than cinnamon.” Lily blushed. His cock ached in response to the redness on her cheeks. Brody imagined similar color rising on other destinations across her gloriously sexy plus-size form."

The poster, arionhunter, comments, And now, it's time for sex. Food sex. Involving what else but whipped cream? (Once, just once, I want to see a man's "meat" covered in A1 sauce.)

As he watched her movements, feeling like he was floating on a giant cake, she raised a candy cane to her plump lips and teasingly performed oral sex on it. Then Lily hooked the cane around Brody’s straining cock and pulled his thickness into her mouth.

'Hunter explains the symbolism behind this gesture: Y'see, the really fun part about this is that as a kid, every Christmas I was told the story of how the candy cane symbolizes Jesus. I can't wait for my Sunday School teachers to add the part about how "the hard end of the cane symbolizes Jesus's erect penis, ready to be fellatiated, then perform frottage."

I have nothing more to say.

A Conversation About Fetishes

Sploshing image via Time Out New York.

The four of us were sitting in the living room, editing a comedy skit about fat acceptance, when the topic of fetishes came up. And, naturally, everyone began to name the strangest fetishes they had ever heard of for fun. Since we'd already been talking about fat chicks, the first girl told with wonder how she'd heard about a fetish where big women would jump on top of little tiny men. "Not big like we are, I mean these 400 pound women jumping on top of these 150 pound men in a bed!"

"Squashing," I said. There was a whole forum dedicated to it on my favorite pervy website, though it wasn't my thing.

"And there's this other one with food," said my theatre friend who had so kindly let me stay at her house.

"Sploshing," I said. "It's British."

Crap. Thank you for visiting the Museum of Sex. About this time a little voice in the back of my mind was going Shut up, shut up, shut up! Any minute now one of them would turn to me and demand to know how I knew all this stuff and my cover as a normal person would be blown.

"And there's this other fetish", the first girl went on in hushed tones, "where they tie the woman to a chair or something, she can't even walk, and the man will feed her to make her fatter."

"Feederism," I said, unable to resist getting in the last word. "Sometimes it goes the other way too," I added, in interests of gender equality. "Sometimes the girl feeds the man."

There was an awed silence from the other girls as they contemplated this, the most impressively strange of all fetishes yet named. My theatre friend said, in a tone of confusion, that she didn't know how the world kept going when it was full of people that were like this. And yet it does.

"Yeah, then you learn it's always been like this," one of the other girls said in a tone of worldly wisdom.