Wednesday, December 3, 2008


You know when you're on the top of the stairs and you can hear all the people at the bottom coming up? That happened all the time at the Manor. We had like three long staircases, so it always took a while, and if people were talking you always had a pretty good idea of who was coming up before you actually saw them.

So I'm on my way out of my room, buttoning up my cuffs, and I hear the usual gaggle of voices. And then a new one which nails me to the floor.

My thoughts start racing. Not her--hallucination--oh, God, it is, how--? Wait, they know each other from school, they must have invited her over--why, don't they know how she--me--

But it is inevitable. I can hear her voice coming up the stairs. So I stayed there, a sickly smile on my face, as they all reached the landing. Face the music.

Once on the landing, I could see who was actually there. Four people. One of my housemates moved aside and it wasn't her. Wasn't Constantine's short-lived girlfriend, and my useless desire. It was another girl altogether, with an eerily similar voice.

"Hi!" I said, too loudly, and offered my hand. Shake. The poor girl, she must think I hate her--she must think the sight of her makes me ill!

After introductions were made they all had something to see in Avril's room, so I let them go on. I stood outside my door and took deep breaths, trying to calm my heart. I thought again, This has got to end, sometime. This can't go on forever.

For a long time, the two of them were my own personal ghosts. My eyes would linger over people I saw that reminded me of them in public places. I would see things that reminded me of them, and my whole body and mind would twang with addictive and shameful memory, leaving me hardly able to work afterwards. A great distraction.

But now it's ended--or has almost ended, finally. I haven't had such a trigger in a long time, I've sought out new people, pleasures, faces, voices. But every now and then I will wonder what crack there was in my personality to let them take such hold...and how I can keep it from happening again.

1 comment:

Essin' Em said...

I have totally and completely gone through this. It does end. Eventually. But it takes a damn fucking long time. ***hugs***