Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Vintage Sex

Me: There's a half naked man on Star Trek...
Me: ...with a fencing sword.
Me: A half naked ASIAN man with abs!

Cee: :D are you trying to climb through the screen?

Me: I'm stopped by the fact that I know he's gay.

For me, a fetish is when you not only kink for specific body parts or objects. It's when you kink for stuff that doesn't even exist. Which is why I feel able to admit to you that I'm starting to kink hard for Star Trek. 

My dad's a Trekkie from way back, but I never quite got it. He used to watch Babylon 5 every night, and when I had nothing else to do I'd join him. There was some episode that was a homage to Trouble With Tribbles, which somehow led to my dad realizing I had never seen the first version. He popped in a grainy VHS tape of it, and I saw William Shatner for the first time. Dear old dad no doubt thought this was a geek right of passage. I was only midly interested, but this was before I'd reached puberty.

* * *

"So who did you like better?" asked Q. when I told her I had seen the newly airbrushed movie version that weekend, "Kirk or Spock?"

Oh, Kirk is ok, I said, he's all manly and brash and stuff. But Zachary Quinto just makes me melt. (So much so, in fact, that I'd gone back to the orginal series to see more Vulcan goodness and found that the wonderful people at CBS had put up the entire thing on YouTube. It's in great condition and you don't have to feel bad for stealing anything!)

It was with a sense of satisfaction that Q. told me that her first ever crush had been for the original Spock. Since she's a distant relation, I guess it's genetic. And, watching the old series, I'm amazed at how much it does work. I tend to think of my parent's TV as something asexual. But even the chicks on the original Enterprize want to get into Spock's pants, and there are outfits that wouldn't look out of place on a Beyonce video. And even with all these made-for-male planets that just happen to have at least one hot woman on them, there are an awful lot of shirtless men. 

This doesn't mean there aren't a lot of things wrong with the Original Series. It's got cheap sets, clunky plots, and shitty dialogue, but I don't care: my hormones have me once again surfing the internet's waves of utter crap in search of a little flicker of that special something that's obsessed me once again. I'm not thinking of my dignity, but of sweet, sweet Vulcan mind loving (What other pressure points do you know about, Mr. Spock?) Some girls want to devour pints of chocolate ice cream during their period: I just want some attention from an alien life form.

You know where this is going, don't you? Oh, yes, I went there: Kirk/Spock slash. With bondage. And someone set it to "Closer".

I have no shame.

Guys and gals, if I'm ever topping you and I grab you by the face like Spock does in the first few seconds of the video, just roll with it. I promise I'll snap out of it momentarily.

Do you know about how they take the two names of famous couples and contract them? The "technical" term for Kirk/Spock slash is, apparently, "Spork" I shit you not.

The above video was given to me as a response to my comment about how no movie could be as good as Bitchy Jones' libido.  Jayunderscorezero, I have no idea who you are, but if we meet in real life, can we make out? I think we'd have a lot in common.

And the last video should be of that moment in Star Trek when Zachary Quinto is choking Kirk for what seems like ages. But sadly I cannot find one on YouTube, so y'all will have to be content with using it as wallpaper.


Jayunderscorezero said...

Aw, thank you so much. I'm glad to have been of service.

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