Tuesday, August 12, 2008

You don't have a fetish, you're just selfish

Violet Blue critiqued an article by Psychology Today entitled "Typically Twisted" The article attempts to de-mystify many of the thoughts and behaviors people keep secret for fear of not being seen as "normal". Like fetishes, for example (direct quote):

A practice that is harmful, exploitative, or dangerous—such as pedophilia or public flashing—is deemed abnormal. But outside such clearly damaging obsessions, human-sexuality experts have a general rule: Unusual sexual practices are mostly harmless as long as they are part of a range of sexual responses. If you like dirty talk or get aroused by women's underwear, that's nothing to worry about...

Ok, I thought, until I finished the sentance:

... unless it's the only thing that turns you on.

Then it's usually called a paraphilia, defined as unconventional sexual behavior that's both obsessive and compulsive. For instance: A guy who can get off only when he's wearing diapers, or a woman who insists on dominating her partner. The person "is now substituting a behavior for a partner, and the behavior has become necessary for sexual satisfaction," sex educator and author Yvonne Fulbright explains.

A little bit of kink is a good thing if it spurs open-mindedness and a spirit of adventure. But when an object or a ritual becomes more important than the living, breathing partner, it gets in the way of a relationship and of sexual fulfillment

Oh, crap.

I've had ten partners in my life, and I've never asked any of them to stuff themselves while having sex (mostly because until recently I wouldn't have been able to tell them what I wanted if they asked me). Instead I've pushed myself to be what--for me--might be termed "adventurous". With all the proper contraceptives and barriers in place (and sometimes not), I've been penetrated in all my holes. I've had penises and fingers and dildoes in my pussy, ass, and mouth. I've been sucked, licked, and fingered, experienced rimming, been handcuffed to a chair and even spanked (by my request). And there's never been a time when I've let my lover go before they've cum themselves. Usually, it's through my mouth on their dick, because I love to swallow sperm. Once, it was when I got a girl to squirt.

So much for just sexual reciprocity--how about emotional? Of the different people I've been with, some I've loved, some I've hated, some have just been a casual fling. Every one of the experiences has involved me reaching out to my partner, wanting to know what they liked, wanting to know about their lives. Some of these experiences have changed me forever, making me think deeply about how another's mind works, how I should treat people, and how I wanted to be treated myself.

But of all these varied experiences, not any of them has ever brought me to orgasm.

For a long time I was miserable over this. I've had partners feeling inadequate because they couldn't get me off. I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I thought I was just a normal woman. Then I thought it was just because my lovers couldn't find my clit. Then I found a lover that loved pussy and was willing to spend hours down there doing all kinds of things... but still nothing.

Then one day I was wandering around Myspace and saw this picture: instant orgasm.

This has brought me to only one conclusion: The only thing that's ever taken me "there"--the only thing that makes the blood flow and my clit swell and finally every muscle in my pussy convulse with delight--is watching a skinny boy eating until his slender belly bulges out into a tight dome. No exceptions.

I could go on like I have been. I could chalk it all up to some kind of strange narcissism on my part and find a partner that was only into normal sex--and by "normal" I mean light BDSM or vanilla. And then I'd never have an orgasm again--unless it was through masturbation. Now that's what I call selfish.

The thing that puzzles me most about this article is how it can simply be narcissism at work, when I've searched for years to find an alternative that would allow my partners to get me off?

But what do you guys think? How do you answer the question of balancing what gets you off with finding a partner you can connect with--especially if you only get turned on by something rare? Is it like being gay, something that cannot be changed and must be lived out in order to be a fully developed human being... or is it just as narrow as only seeing a skinny blonde chick (or a fat blonde chick) as attractive?

I've cross posted this on Myspace and Fantasy Feeder. At the end of the week I'll cull out the best answers for a new post. This is something I've been struggling to come to terms with, so I'd love you guys to comment with any of your thoughts, feelings, or experiences. This probably won't be my last post on this topic... the "Typically twisted" article is being hooted in several places, but it's gotten me thinking about how I and other tummy fetishists tick...and this will definitely not be my last post on the subject.


The Valiant Bastard said...

I found my eyes widening in shock as well at the articles concerns.. It is true, it is beginning to be a matter of I feel madly in love/lust with someone more so when they perform my fetish. I just, reach a whole new level of sexual awakening.. however, I believe that people with fetishes may be above the game. A fetish for most is something in Addition, to all the normal lusts, its a new level of passion and desire, an extacy if you will. Dear sister, we are hooked on extacy. I too fear it will be all that will help us get off, but sensuality, romance, unconditional love, those things spur emotions and tingly feelings too and combined with even the slightest bit of fetish, can be the most rewarding thing this life has to offer. As for your personal descriptions of your sexual misadventures.. well, I regret having had a big dinner this eve *groans* But good points made!

Molly Ren said...

As for your personal descriptions of your sexual misadventures.. well, I regret having had a big dinner this eve *groans*

Yes, I do see how the thought of me getting more have ever had would make you sick with jealousy!

YumYumGirl said...

Hmm I haven't thought a whole lot about this yet. I am very very attracted to my girlfriend even without her actively gaining. She has just the right amount of softness so I've noticed that I do not always have to fantasize about weight gain, but I probably do something like 80-90% of the time. Dunno why.

Now that I'm exploring this part of me, things may change. I think I've shoved it aside for so long that I've learned to ignore it.. but now its coming to the forefront.. I guess I'll find out just how important it is to me and just how essential it is to my sexuality as I continue on this journey. But really, I'm new to exploring this.. so I'm hesitant to come to any conclusions just yet.

Cool entry though.. very thought provoking.

I guess I've already dealt with some other not-so-traditional aspects of myself, so it all somehow feels familiar to me.. I think I know where I'm headed, and I'm not scared because following my heart and true desires has always lead to pure happiness for me.. Repression has always lead to the exact opposite.. so its just really, not a good option.. I plan to follow my haert and see where I end up.